Five signs for extroverts

Extroverts can create meaningful connections by observing cues, balancing conversation, and actively listening.

A while ago, while on Instagram, I saw a post featuring an article titled “Introverted? Here’s how to be more social.” As a joke, I replied, “Extroverts: Five signs someone wants you to end the conversation,” and to my surprise, that reply garnered more than 2,200 likes. I think I may be on to something!

Before we delve further, let’s establish some definitions: introvert vs. extrovert. Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking reminds us that most of us fall on a spectrum of introversion and extroversion, particularly in terms of our personal energy and interactions. However, in the corporate world, extroversion is often seen in terms of behavioral traits: the ability to talk with strangers, gregarious personalities, and quick-thinking responses. Since roughly 75 percent of the population identifies as extroverts, we are often conditioned to think these traits are “better” and rarely examine the downside.

Cain speaks extensively about the “extrovert ideal,” which I delved into in my past article, “Are we suffering from extrovert bias?” But now, I want to address the many articles devoted to coaching introverts to be “less you” – not exactly the sign of inclusion we need today. All personality traits have positive and negative sides, which require a great deal of self-awareness to recognize. Think about it: one person’s “shy” is another person’s “observant.” One person’s “lively” is another’s “overbearing.”

I consider myself an “extroverted introvert” – I enjoy people, but big events overwhelm me. It’s taken me years to realize that a couple of deeper one-on-one interactions are much more enjoyable than handing my business card to 25 people at an event. I was conditioned to be “talkative and friendly” to be likable. As someone who straddles both sides, I can guide extroverts to “fake it until they make it” by being more thoughtful and observant.

So, here’s the list you’ve always needed – five things extroverts need to know when networking:

1. Non-verbal cues. No matter how charming you are, pay attention to people’s non-verbal cues. These include reducing eye contact, shifting their body, scanning the room (likely looking for a rescuer), and peeking at their phone. You might overlook these because you’re excited to share your words. Remember, as someone who gains energy from interactions, you should see if the person is giving you the “keep going” signal. Often, introverts love listening, but we will show you when we’re done.
   For example, I was at a networking event with two others when an acquaintance began sharing a very personal story. He was deeply engrossed in the details, and the story had many twists and turns. Soon after, the third person politely excused herself to “grab another drink,” and I realized the speaker had missed those non-verbal cues. Later, my hair stylist, a master at reading people, told me, “When the eye contact goes, you know they want to stop, even if they are nodding their heads to be polite.”
2. Verbal cues. People might not directly say “You’re talking too much,” but they’ll use standard verbal cues. While you’re taking a breath, think about how your partner is responding. Are they limiting themselves to short replies like “hmm,” “wow,” or “interesting”? Are they asking follow-up questions or adding their own thoughts? Since many extroverts are conditioned to think that introverts are “quiet,” you may ignore this cue. Verbal cues are a crucial part of the conversation – they’re the lubricant that keeps things moving.
3. The big signs. If a person says they need to do something else, it means they want to leave, period. “I’m going to the restroom/get another drink/check on my coworker” are direct signs of ending the conversation. You need to let them go! Do not take this as an invitation to join them (especially not in the restroom – I speak from experience). The same goes if we physically back away or start grabbing our bags. Many of us were trained that directness is rude and will try our best to show that we need to end this conversation. When in doubt, let the conversation end. If we do want to return, we will! I polled my friends on LinkedIn and roughly 80 percent use the phrase “It’s been great catching up” or “Excuse me while I grab a drink” as signs to end the conversation. About 20 percent will grab another person as a substitute!
4. Look who’s talking. No matter where we fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, people are hard-wired for connection. Connection requires mutual respect and interest. Take a second to see who is doing most of the talking in your interaction. While it may come easily to you to share a story or convey why your firm is amazing, I urge you to work toward a balance. It doesn’t need to be 50-50, but a pause may give your partner a chance to engage.
5. Consider taking a step back. If you are a talker, consider becoming an interviewer. Leaning in, asking questions, and giving non-verbal cues of interest will show your partner that you are interested in them. You will still get the energy you crave as an extrovert, but the interaction may be more pleasant for your companion. Think more Drew Barrymore, less Olivia Benson when it comes to questions. It’s an interview, not an interrogation. Often, introverts may need a little time to process your question, so give us that space.

While this list may seem obvious, it underscores a crucial point: understanding how your behavior affects others is a key component of emotional intelligence. In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman emphasizes the importance of controlling your emotions and recognizing their impact on others. Don’t monopolize conversations under the guise of being extroverted. Choose to have meaningful connections rather than repelling interactions. As Dale Carnegie wisely said, “Be interested, not interesting.”

If you’re not sure how to build those connections, especially with “quiet people,” here are a few tips. Most of us can talk endlessly about things we care about (I’m always open to talking about books, the Enneagram, or Ted Lasso). We usually don’t care about traffic, work, or the weather. One of my favorite authors on this topic, Vanessa Van Edwards, coins the term “conversation sparks” in her book Captivate. These are questions that can help you find points of commonality and interest. Learning to ask questions and practicing active listening (a strength of introverts) is a great first step. If you have an introverted friend, ask them to help you be a better listener. One simple way to improve conversations is to stop interrupting. As a former interrupter, I didn’t realize that my enthusiastic “yes, and” was often perceived as shutting others down. Conversations are like a game of tennis – wait your turn to volley. And if you do interrupt, apologize and let them finish.

In a world that often pressures introverts to shapeshift, I urge my extroverted friends to pause, observe, and give space for others to contribute. If you’re unsure how to build connections, especially with quieter individuals, start by asking thoughtful questions and practicing active listening. Remember, true connection requires authenticity. While extroverts can energize an event, recognizing and respecting the quieter voices can lead to deeper, more meaningful interactions. If I promise to attend the next event instead of running home to Netflix, maybe you can promise to ask me a couple of questions too. 

Janki DePalma, LEED AP, CPSM is director of business development at W.E. O’Neil. Contact her at jdepalma@weoneil.com.